The End Road

This past year has been the hardest of my life. I lost my gun clearance again after my 1st Class killed himself in March, after months and months of trying to get my gun back I don’t.

I knew my wife was becoming more and more curious about opening up our marriage, we tried it out. She then finally stopped lying to herself and recognized she was gay. But didn’t tell me. I found out months later. The girl she had chosen she had feelings for. I was sent to the hospital for suicidal ideations.

For the first time in nearly three years I thought about it again. Three years ago I tried, I put my own gun to my head on three separate occasions.

In the hospital the urge was intense, I finally told the doctors I was no longer suicidal but had no will to live.

I was discharged from the hospital that day. Ever since, i have felt empty, broken, worthless. I don’t feel like I have anything left. I don’t feel like I will have anyone ever love me again.

They are force converting me and talking about admin separating me from the Navy.

I got drunk the other day and kissed my friend, and I dont remember anything. I texted my wife and said the most hateful terrible things to her because i was angry and hurt. I hate myself, and the bitter, angry, and sad husk I’m becoming.

I’m losing everything.

I’ve started looking at painless suicide methods, I dont want to leave a mess. I don’t want whoever finds me to be too traumatized.

I don’t want to do it during the holidays and ruin it for everyone.

I don’t want to, but I feel like I’m being backed into a corner, that God has turned His back on me, I begged him to kill me over and over and was ignored. He’s allowed so many people to die that deserved more. Allowed evil people to live long lives, all i want is to sleep and not to wake up. Maybe He’ll forgive me and in heaven I can be with Jennifer again, and actually be happy.

I don’t know what to do, I want to get help, but im afraid to get kicked out of the Navy. 😩🔫

So my wife want she and I to get semicolon tattoos, because of something that I went through in the Navy and dont know any of you well enough to talk about. I’m looking for a tattoo artist who’s willing to help me out by crafting me something that would also mean alot to me as well.

I would like to do a poem from Tolkien,
“All That is Gold Does Not Glitter.”
In the poem one of the most used and powerful phrases, “Not all who wander are lost;” ends in a semi colon, and i would like that to be in it. But I want the whole poem I think to be written in the shape of a semi colin or in elvish or dwarvish, (I like the dwarves the best, but elvish is much more elagant). If anyone would like to help, I would really appreciate it, and of course there will be pay for the one I choose. I won’t use your art unless you get something and I will take a picture and post it with a link to your tumblr as a bonus!

Show me what you got Inked Side of Tumblr!